Thursday, 26 August 2010 13:08 | Carla @ The Ring

WAR BRIDES: Love, honour & cherish 'whether near or far'

The full interview with modern war bride, Amanda Boucher

Photography by Tara Jeles of So Jeles Photography (www.sojelesphotography.com)

How long have you been together? Married?

We started dating in December 2007 and were married in May 2009.

When/how did you meet?

We met in September 2007 when we both attended Conestoga College in Kitchener taking the Paramedic program. Four months later, Adrian and I started dating.

How was it that you came to be engaged? How did the groom propose? How long were you engaged for before you got married?

In August 2008, Adrian and I decided to take a mini-vacation to visit friends in Thunder Bay, Ontario before going back to school. On our second day there, our friends took us rock climbing at a cliff overlooking a lake. It was a beautiful day and a gorgeous setting and we were all excited for a day of climbing! The men took the equipment and hiked to the top of the cliff to set in our safety lines. As they both rappelled down the cliff, Adrian stopped just short of the ground and called me over. As I approached, he reached in his pocket. I thought he was looking for his camera so I could take pictures. When he pulled his hand out of his pocket, he was holding a ring box and asked me if I would marry him. Of course I said yes! The guy was hanging off a cliff for me! We were engaged for 8 months before the wedding.

Details, details, details

Date of wedding: May 2, 2009
Place of wedding – ceremony & reception: Carmen's Banquet Hall in Hamilton, Ontario
Budget: Budget? That would have been a good idea!
Gown, tuxes, attire: I wore a Sincerity strapless, A line gown in ivory. The bodice had boning, lace and beadwork. The skirt was mostly plain, and I had the back converted to lace up. My favourite feature: the velcro train. The guys wore tuxes with silver vests and ties, Adrian's had a red vest and tie. The girls wore red, v-neck, tea length dresses by Alfred Sung.
Wedding party: brothers, sisters, sisters-in-law, old friends, new friends... 6 girls and 5 guys stood up with us.
Flowers, décor, etc.: I chose tulips for our wedding flowers. I held red tulips, the girls held white. The guys had boutonnières to match and our parents all wore white orchids. Our florist made us little cake toppers with white and red tulips as well. The décor was all in white, red and black, with ceiling swags, a head table backdrop, including trees decorated with little white lights, and chandeliers.
Food & Cake: In between the ceremony and the reception, hors d'oeuvres were served. The dinner started with fettuccini alfredo, my favourite pasta dish! The main course included chicken breast stuffed with spinach and provolone, beef in a cognac and mushroom sauce, garlic mashed potatoes and veggies. Dessert was warm, apple crêpes. There were three 12" vanilla sponge cakes with Venetian cream filling and a midnight buffet including a chocolate fountain and fruits to dip. It was all delicious, but my dress was pulled so tight, I could only eat about a third of what was on my plate!

How did your fiance's pending departure affect your wedding plans?

As we were planning the wedding, we still did not know for sure when Adrian would be deploying and when or where his training would be taking place. This certainly did impact our decision to get married so quickly. First of all, because the sooner we did it, the less likely training would interfere. Secondly, because being legally married makes it so much easier to get information while he is away. I did not want to have to worry about whether the Canadian Forces would recognize me as next of kin and all that if we were not yet married. Because we knew Adrian would be going to Afghanistan, we added a line to the traditional "in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health" vow. We also promised to love, honour and cherish each other "whether near or far."

How long after your wedding did your husband have to go to Afghanistan? How long was he gone?

Adrian deployed to Afghanistan just a couple weeks after our first wedding anniversary. Even though we were married a year before deployment, we spent most of that year apart. About 2 weeks before the wedding, Adrian started teaching a course at CFB Borden, which is about 2 hours away from our home in Guelph. As such, he actually lived on the base during the week. He was home from Thursday night to Sunday afternoon on the weekend of our wedding, then back to work. Throughout the summer, he lived in Borden and we saw each other mostly on weekends. At the beginning of August, Adrian's pre-deployment training started in Petawawa, Ontario, about 5 and a half hours from home. Adrian made the long drive home most Friday nights and returned Sunday afternoons. In November 2009 and again in December he was required to go on extended training sessions for 3 to 4 weeks. We had 2 weeks together at Christmas, then he left for a 2 month training exercise in the U.S.. We were very lucky to have a lot of March and April 2010 together, the most time we have spent together as a married couple! Adrian deployed in mid-May 2010. He has been gone one month now (at time of interview), and will be gone a total of 7 months, if plans don't change.

What is it like to be newly married and have your husband off at war?

It is extremely difficult to have a husband off at war. Day to day responsibilities that would usually be shared are entirely up to me now. He is not here to listen and give me a hug when I've had a bad day. There is nobody to snuggle up with at night, and it gets lonely sometimes. I worry about Adrian all the time - not just his physical safety, but his mental and emotional well being too. I know that the separation is even more difficult for him because he is away from home and has a difficult job. I hate not being able to give him a hug and a kiss at the end of his hard days, too. The best way I have found to deal with loneliness and worry, is to just stay busy. The less time I spend at home alone, the less time I have to feel sorry for myself. I spend a lot of time with friends and family, or taking courses and pursuing other interests like crocheting. I also really enjoy sending care packages, because it makes me feel like I am taking care of him a little bit, even from so far away.

How do you and your husband maintain your relationship while he is gone?

Adrian and I have been very lucky to be able to communicate almost every day since he has been gone. This is definitely not typical of other people's experiences I have heard of. Usually we are able to say at least a quick hello with internet chat programs or have webcam chats via Skype, which we prefer over using the telephone. We send emails if we have news or questions we don't want to forget, and I send letters and care packages so he has something to look forward to. While getting in contact is fairly easy for us, it is still difficult sometimes to talk when one of us has had a bad day, and then our conversation is cut short by a bad internet connection. We both try to be honest about the way we feel, while putting on our brave face so the other doesn't worry. We have a lot of common goals for each other, so we maintain a very good connection by encouraging each other to be healthy, by talking about our plans for buying a house when he returns, and by sharing our hopes to start a family.

If your husband has returned, what was it like when he returned? i.e. How did life change for you and your married life?

While we will not be going through this for several months, it is something that I have started to prepare for. I continue to do research and to talk to other women who have been through the reunion and reintegration process. I expect it to be a time full of challenge as we both adapt to our new situation, and I believe we will grow closer as we work through those challenges together.

Have you found any other women in your situation? If so, how does knowing them help you cope with having a husband in the war?

I do not know any newlyweds who have been separated by war, but I know one woman who got engaged just before deployment, and she is going through her first deployment experience, like me. We talk often, share our frustrations and worries and reassure each other. It does help a lot just to know that I am not the only one going trough this, and that my fears and fustrations are normal. Nobody else can understand just what we go through, so it is really helpful to have each other as a support system.

Have you found any kind of support either within your family, friends or community to help you deal with your situation?

Most of my friends and family have been extremely supportive of me, as have Adrian's friends and family. They will always lend an ear, give a hug, share a meal or open their home if I need company. Friends and family alike tell me that they are thinking of us both often, and that is comforting as well. The Military Family Recource Centre is also an excellent source of information and support. They put together support groups, seminars, family events and can connect military family members with other resources such as child care, employment help and counselling.

What advice do you have for other modern brides whose husbands have been, or will be deployed, shortly after their wedding?

My advice to any other modern "war brides", is: make the most of the time you get to spend together before deployment; don't let your worries get in the way of sharing happy times together. Try to never let a phone call or internet chat end on a negative note - have the difficult conversations if they are necessary, but always be kind and fair. Say "I love you" every chance you get, and work to stay connected across distance and time. Stay busy to help the time pass, set your own goals and never feel guilty for living your life and enjoying it. The things you learn and the way you grow individually will be an added strength in your relationship when your husband returns. Most of all: be patient with yourself, your husband, your family and friends who just don't "get it" sometimes, the internet and phone connections that cut out, etc... This is a difficult time and things may not always go smoothly, but that's ok. What is important is your love and commitment to your soldier, and his to you. For better or for worse, in sickness or in health, whether near or far.

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